Un-Valentine's Day

Realizing your relationship was a lie...realizing the dreams of raising a family together have ended...realizing you are in this alone raising three young girls... I'm having a wtf moment trying to get through this day, which is funny because it's February 14, the day of love. I'm spending it with my children watching movies, snacking, playing and of course me drinking lots and lots of coffee because that is really the only way I know how to get through my days.

Today has been strange, to say the least. A whirlwind of emotions have come over me today. Sadness, anger, fear, resentment, hatred, guilt, happiness, to name a few. It's been one of those days where you want to just got back to bed and throw the sheets over your head and not have to face the chaos.

I thought leaving the chaos would stop the chaos, however it will forever be there, linked by our three children. Yesterday was the girls visit. My oldest and second oldest said dad wasn't their the whole visit. It's not like him to not be there, since he just asked about having them overnights the weekends that they are scheduled to be there for both days. I knew something was up. He hadn't seen the messages on the co-parenting app we use to talk about the girls from that morning either. I sent another message. I fear the worse, which could be jail or death, and with either scenario, the girls loose. They don't deserve this shit. They are just kids. They love their dad. I don't like saying hate, but I hate situations that he has created that effects the girls. They deserve a father who is going to be there for them, not just when it's convenient for him. One who has a clear mind from the drugs, one who made a promise to never let them down, but continues to. God, I just want to shield them from all the horror of the world, the ugliness, the pain, the heartbreak...I hope they grow up knowing they are loved by so, so many people and have a small army behind them. Because without my village of friends and family, we would still be there, still be in the hell that was constant chaos, with fighting, yelling, negativity and hitting.

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